I remember we were having a conversation about how important it is To feel. How it is the only constant through life’s tedious journey. So I summed up all I felt during these three life-altering days at RSP!
You’re tired. You’re excited. It is a weird mix. You haven’t stepped out of your house alone before. You’ve never been outside of your urban bubble. You’re heading to RSP, and you have apprehension tugging at your throat, threatening to close in any minute. You stop, you breathe. It’s better now.
And then it hits you. You want to go back, you’re uncomfortable, you’re unbelievably frustrated. Why are you here? Was it the right decision?
You would soon find out.
You get ready for your first adventure, heart racing in your chest. Fear? Adrenaline? Or maybe you’re just indifferent. You brave through it all, reaching your first destination.
For every nurse you talk to, you feel awestruck. For every community health entrepreneur, you’re filled with pride. Behind it all, you’re guilty. You’re guilty for ever dwelling in your privilege, for ever complaining. You’re guilty because you’ve been ignorant.
You push it aside, stride on.
The evenings are all about the same anticipation- anxiety phase. You’re getting to know people around you. And maybe, just for a moment, you feel like you belong.
You wake up groggy, feeling incredibly exhausted. You wonder how it seems more in your head than your muscles.
No time for that, though The second day awaits. You’re more at ease now, incredibly happy with the people you met a day ago, who you now call your friends. They’re easy to talk to, they GET you. You feel a little less out of place, a little more at home.
Next stop, CLINICS. You’ve never been more humbled. You hear how bravery comes quietly in the night, as a nurse races against time and her own expertise even, to save two lives, going against all odds. You feel inspired. At the Baalwaari, you feel your innocence threatening to break through your rugged adult body. You’re emotional, you’re unpredictable, you’re just a kid.
At the patients’ homes, you feel sad, numb, helpless even, undermining what you really set out to do. As you continue talking, you feel comfortable, as do they, your happiness climbing as you realise you are part of the answer. Patients in turn, make you feel hope.
It’s your turn to head back to where you came from. You’re no longer apprehensive, tired, or anxious. You’re at peace, you finally belong. You found what you were looking for. You kind of realise in the true sense, you FINALLY feel.
I hope you never let it die.
By Anushruti Shukla, participant Rural Sensitization Program 2024